


I Will Follow

by sourgummies



Series: This is Not Heaven [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Sex, Hurt/Comfort, I promise it turns out okay, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Very emotional Bucky, all the feels, top!steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-13
Updated: 2014-05-28
Packaged: 2018-01-19 04:11:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1454911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sourgummies/pseuds/sourgummies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Sometimes Bucky follows Steve around without the Captain even knowing it. Today is one of those days. "</p><p>Set 3 months after Part 2</p><p>**Complete**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not necessary to read Part 1 or Part 2 but there are one or two points in Part 3 that refer to the previous ones.

_3 months later_

 

Sometimes Bucky follows Steve around without the Captain even knowing it. Today is one of those days. Steve would be furious if he ever found out, considering he expects his friend to be safe and sound at home. Bucky’s not doing it to be creepy or anything. He’s not a damn stalker. He does it to make sure that Steve is safe and because he doesn’t trust anyone else to have Steve’s back. Especially that Stark asshole. Some days Bucky has a hard time remembering that Tony isn’t Howard; they are almost identical in appearance and personality and he has a vague memory of Steve telling him once that he and Howard had had a brief ‘thing’.

 

‘ _Thing_.’ Bucky’s blood boils at the thought and he doesn’t know if it’s him or the Winter Soldier that’s making him feel sick and jealous the way he does. _Fuck_. He is so fucked. Regardless of the fact that Steve had told him they’d had a relationship of some sort back in the 40’s, Bucky is not who he once was and he doesn’t have any expectations that they can ever have what they used to.

 

Bucky banishes the thought as he flits across another roof top, eyes zeroing in on Steve down on the sidewalk as he walks into a coffee shop to meet Sam. Bucky stops where he is and hunkers down so he is partially hidden by a brick pillar that may have once been a chimney, he thinks. It’s the 21st century and most people don’t have chimneys or fireplaces anymore. It’s all central heating and fake electric fireplaces now.

 

Bucky has to close his eyes before his thoughts go too far. He gets awful bitter these days and Steve tells him the best thing to do is just breath and not think about it. Don’t think, don’t think. Bucky breathes heavily and glares until Steve emerges out of the coffee shop again with Sam and sits down at a small table outside. Bucky’s chest eases a little bit. He doesn’t feel right if he can’t see Steve.

 

It looks like two intend on staying awhile so Bucky props himself up against the dusty red brick and settles in. He’s not comfortable but the he knows the Winter Soldier has many memories of being very uncomfortable, so this is nothing. He’ll take uncomfortable over pain.

 

He flexes his new metal arm as he watches the two below him to test the response of his fingers. Stark replaced his old one ( _bastard, hate him, hate him_ ) and while he still doesn’t have feeling in it, this one is much smoother and no longer has a red star painted on the bicep. Now it has a red and white shield and it always warms Bucky a little when he sees it. Reminds him of who is. Not just a ghost or an asset. He has friends now and a place to call home. And he has Steve.

 

Bucky is starting to lose focus when suddenly something in his pocket buzzes and he startles. His phone. He frowns and pulls it out of his jeans; the display shows Natasha’s name and a blurry photo of her above it. He doesn’t remember adding her into his contacts. It goes without saying, but he’s only ever had one contact in there and it sure as hell wasn’t hers.

 

He hits the answer button reluctantly.

 

“What?” He barks, glaring at nothing and everything.

 

“You better have a good explanation for being late, Barnes.” Natasha’s voice is just as harsh.

 

 _Shit_. He has sessions with Natasha for an hour twice a week and only now does he remember he has one with her today. She helps him regain memories sometimes. He knows that she was also a Russian spy once and it reassures him that she was able to make it back from such a dark place.

 

Maybe he can make it back okay, too.

 

Bucky looks at the time on his phone; 2:05. He’s surprised she even waited even 5 minutes; he’s never been late before. How did he forget? Bucky cringes and glances down to the street below. Steve is still there, sipping at his coffee and smiling. _Damnit_ , Steve.

 

“I’m,” Bucky clears his throat awkwardly. “I’m with Steve. Must have slipped my mind.”

 

Doesn’t that just say everything? His mind is in shambles, he can’t be expected to remember every damn thing.

 

“Put him on the phone.” Natasha demands, sounding suspicious.

 

“Uh,” Bucky struggles to find words. When he was the Winter Soldier, he never struggled to find words and somehow that pisses him off. “Can’t. He’s…in the…bathroom.”

 

Fuck, he is so bad at lying. How has he gotten so bad at lying?

 

“Fuck, are you following him again, Barnes? We’ve already talked about this!” Bucky hears the sound of a car door closing and he knows he’s in shit now.

 

“Nat, no, no, please, I’m beggin’ ya, don’t tell Steve.” Inwardly, the Winter Soldier in Bucky is fighting with him now. Why is he begging? He doesn’t beg. He makes others beg.

 

Bucky starts hyper ventilating and he drops the phone.

 

“You can’t, you can’t…” Bucky is gripping his real arm with the metal one and he hears a bone snap but he doesn’t feel it.

 

He starts hitting his head against the brick pillar, hard, trying to push the Winter Soldier back down. There’s red flowing into his eyes but he doesn’t care. The assassin in him is crawling his way up and up and he can’t stop it, can’t stop…

 

“Bucky! Bucky! Jesus Christ,” a voice pulls him back up and he can breathe again. Doesn’t know how long he’s been gone but he knows that voice. The Winter Soldier grumbles and fades and within seconds, it’s as if he was never there.

 

“Steve,” Bucky gasps clutching at Steve’s leather jacket with his metal hand. His real one isn’t working and he doesn’t know why but Steve is back and he’s big and warm but his eyes are bloodshot and he looks worried. Bucky hates when he looks like this.

 

“Oh my god, Buck, your arm.” Steve looks sick. Bucky’s forearm is bent at an odd angle and it looks wrong, so wrong.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Bucky is sobbing and he can’t stop, doesn’t know if he can ever stop. He doesn’t know where he is or how he got there or why his arm is throbbing but he knows he did this to himself and it’s so wrong.

 

“It’s okay, it’s okay, really, it’s all good,” Steve is rambling as he struggles out of his coat and rips his shirt off, pressing it to the gash on the back of Bucky’s head. “I’m here, okay? I’m not going anywhere, you hear me? Bucky?”

 

Bucky’s tears don’t stop and Steve’s face is blurring around the edges but he nods. Steve’s here, he’s safe. It’s all okay. Safe. _Steve_ … Bucky lists sideways and everything goes black.

 

 

 

~*~

 

 

 

When he wakes up, he knows he’s in a hospital before he even opens his eyes. He can smell the antiseptic and metal. He can hear the beeping of a heart monitor. It’s probably his. He hears soft breathing next to him and he opens his eyes slowly to dull light. It’s night time. He rolls his head sideways to find the source of the breathing and his chest fills with warmth. Steve.

 

He tries to say something but it comes out all garbled. Drugged. His eyes drift lazily to the IV drip attached to his real arm, the one wrapped in plaster around the middle to set broken bone. Must be morphine. God, he feels slow.

 

Nevertheless, Steve twitches in his plastic chair at the sound and his eyes flutter open. His eyes are so blue that Bucky gets lost in them for what feels like a very long time. Steve smiles softly when he sees Bucky is awake; he leans forward and presses a hand to his friend’s shoulder.

 

Bucky feels nothing.

 

“Don’t…” Bucky slurs. “Not that arm.”

 

He doesn’t know if his words make any sense but Steve seems to understand and he presses his hand to the middle of Bucky’s chest instead. The heat sears through his bones, straight to his heart. Yes, he can feel that, alright. His lungs feel like they can pull in air again and he breathes a little easier.

 

“How you feeling, buddy?” Steve asks gently, rubbing gentle circles on Bucky’s chest through the thin hospital gown.

 

Bucky sighs, maybe a little too blissfully.

 

“Better now.” He says. He doesn’t know if it’s coming out English or Russian, or if it’s even coming out words at all. He doesn’t care. Steve will always understand. They’ve never really needed words anyway.

 

“Gave me a real good scare, Buck,” Steve doesn’t stop the rhythmic circular motions of his hand. He continues hesitantly, “Natasha told me that you were… are… having some separation anxiety,” now the kindness in Steve’s eyes hurts. Bucky knows he’s an asshole but he hates having it spelled out for him. “Why didn’t you just tell me, Buck? You know I wouldn’t have ever left.”

 

Bucky can tell Steve is angry at himself for not seeing it. Steve’s always got this thing where he takes on other people’s pain and damn if that hasn’t stayed the same since they were kids.

 

“When you’re gone,” Bucky forces out between his teeth, looking up at the ceiling and feeling ashamed. “He comes back. I tried to keep him away, I…I tried, Steve.”

 

Steve is making that pinched face like he does when he’s going to cry and Bucky flounders for a moment.

 

“Please don’t,” he begs, his voice rough. “It’s my fault, I should’ve… shoulda told ya.”

 

“Yeah, Buck, you should’ve,” Steve looks pained and the soothing circles on Bucky’s chest stop. Bucky’s throat closes up quickly, and he looks at his friend frantically. The heart rate monitor starts beeping out of control.

 

“Just don’t…” Bucky’s struggling for words again; they come out mumbled and muddled together. Why can’t he ever find the words? “Please, just…don’t leave me.”

 

Without Steve, he’s nothing. Steve is everything. If he loses him, he may as well be dead. Dimly he knows he’s using Steve as a crutch but he can’t stop himself. He craves the man like a drug; when he can’t have it, he feels like he’s dying. That man is the only thing that makes sense anymore.

 

“God, Buck, of course I won’t leave you,” the circles start again and Bucky can breathe. “Why would I ever leave you? I only just got you back.”

 

“I’m fucked up, Steve,” his eyes are watering again and he hates himself for being weak. The Winter Soldier growls in the black bottomless pit that hides within him, feeling opportunity in Bucky’s weakness. “I’m real fucked up this time.”

 

“It doesn’t matter,” Steve says fiercely, pushing his chair away and hovering over his friend. “Look at me, Buck. No really, look at me right now.”

 

Bucky reluctantly pulls his eyes away from the wall and looks up at his friends determined face. It makes him feel warm and guilty all at once.

 

“You think I’m not gonna fight for you?” Steve says urgently, resting his hands on Bucky’s face, careful of the bandage around his head.  The stubble under his hands is soft. “You think I’m just gonna sit back and watch you tear yourself apart? I’m with you till the end of the line, pal, whether you want me here or not.”

 

Bucky doesn’t know what to say so he just nods. Steve sighs heavily and pulls his hands away, sitting back down. Bucky feels uncomfortably full with too many emotions and he closes eyes, suddenly feeling tired.

 

“Get some more sleep, Buck.” Steve's voice sounds far away and out of focus. Bucky drifts and darkness takes him again.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is feeling like a liability and Steve just wants to help.

Bucky heals fast. Not as fast as Steve would but a week after the incident, his real arm is as good as new again, just like nothing happened.

 

He and Steve haven’t left the apartment once since the incident. Sam has come by with food a couple of times but he comes and goes fast, speaking quietly to Steve and then disappearing out the door again. Bucky feels ashamed every time he comes around. He feels useless. He is Steve’s gaping weakness and it’s so obvious he begins to hate himself. He is a burden. A flaw in the skin of the Avengers’ typically solid team. In this state he’s more likely to get Steve killed then to save his life.

 

The very next day he tries to kill himself, he would rather be dead then be a liability, but the knife doesn’t make it far enough in to the soft skin of his wrist before Steve is bursting into the bathroom and it’s a mess. There’s blood everywhere and Steve is crying and Bucky feels cold all over. There’s lots of yelling after that but it’s all blurry; there’s also a lot of swearing and if Bucky were a little more aware, he’d be shocked to hear them leave the mouth of that beautiful man who never cursed.

 

Steve presses a hand to Bucky’s arm to stem the flow of blood while simultaneously calling an ambulance on his cell phone. He calls Tony next and Bucky hates Tony. Really hates him. He can’t remember why right now but he knows he hates that man.

 

They end up not going to the hospital because by the time the EMT’s get there, the knife wound is already closing. Steve gives him a broken, desperate look and Bucky can’t take it.

 

After that incident, he withdraws completely and Steve takes them out of the city to get away for a while. ‘Get some fresh air and a new perspective,’ he says. Sam comes with them. Bucky knows it’s because Steve is terrified to leave him alone now and much as he would like, he can’t watch Bucky all of the time. They hole up in some mansion in Miami; Steve doesn’t tell him whose house it is. As if he couldn’t figure it out for himself. He might be crazy but he’s sure as hell not dumb.

 

He’s lying in bed facing the wall like he has been for the past 2 weeks when Steve comes in without announcing himself. This is unusual behaviour as Steve _always_ knocks before entering and it bugs Bucky that Steve would act out of character. He doesn’t know why it bothers him. He doesn’t know the ‘why’ to many things at all, really.

 

“Bucky,” Steve says gently, walking slowly to Bucky’s bed and sitting gingerly on the corner. He rests a warm hand on Bucky’s blanketed calf. It’s dark out but Bucky can’t tell what time it is. The Winter Soldier would know what time it was, he thinks bitterly. “I’m running out of options, here. I don’t know what to do anymore, Buck.”

 

Steve is helpless. It’s been a long time since he’s felt that way.

 

“Leave me.” Bucky says, his voice rough.

 

“What?” Steve is squeezing Bucky’s calf with too much pressure.

 

“Just leave me, Steve.” Bucky is tired. He can’t fight anymore, doesn’t want to fight at all. He wants to stay here where it’s dark and quiet and he doesn’t have to feel.

 

“I told you before, I’m not going anywhere.” Steve says firmly.

 

Bucky sighs. He feels old. 95 years is a long time to be fighting a war and he doesn’t want to be a part of it anymore.

 

“You told me that you would leave if I asked,” Bucky corrects. That is one thing he can remember, at least. “I’m asking now.”

 

Steve’s hand drops from Bucky’s calf like he’s been burned.

 

“You can’t mean that.” Steve says, hurt.

 

Bucky angrily flips over into a sitting position, his legs getting all tangled up in the sheets. He doesn’t care.

 

“I can’t take that look on your face anymore, Steve!” Bucky points an accusing finger at Steve, his hand is shaking and he can’t remember the last time he ate. “You’re looking at me like… Like, everything’s gonna be fine and I hate to break it to ya but it’s _not_ fine! I’m a god damned criminal and I can’t be that guy you want me to be, okay? There is no Bucky. He’s just a ghost.”

 

“Buck, stop this-”

 

“No, _you_ stop! You keep looking at me with those damn eyes and it’s killing me,” Steve’s face is crumbling so fast and it pains Bucky to see him like this. “You’re killin’ me, Steve.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Bucky,” Steve’s eyes are brimming and usually it would make Bucky feel all sympathetic but this time it pisses him off.

 

“Look, you don’t get it, alright?” He says angrily. “Some days I remember lots’a stuff and other days I don’t remember a damn thing. Sometimes I wake up and you’re the only thing in the world that I know and you know what that makes me, Steve? Huh? It makes me a god damned liability, you hear me? It might be all okay right now but one day when I wake up and the Winter Soldier is in my body and you don’t know it’s him, then you’re dead, Steve. Don’t you get it? Fucking _dead_.”

 

Bucky huffs several times and tries not to stare as Steve’s mouth gets all twisted up like he’s trying not cry. Fuck, he hates it when Steve cries.

 

“What’s going on in here?” Suddenly Sam is bursting through the door, looking a bit frantic in just his black boxer briefs. He sees the looks on both their faces and he shifts uncomfortably under both their sharp gazes. “I’ll, uh…I’ll just wait outside the door, then.”

 

Sam backs out into the hallway and closes the door gently behind him. Bucky likes Sam right in that moment. He’s happy to know that when he’s gone, at least Sam will have Steve’s six. Someone’s got to be there to do it because the Captain can just be so oblivious sometimes.

 

Silence stretches for several long beats and Bucky worries for a brief moment that maybe he’s accidentally broken something in Steve.

 

“I’m willing to take that risk.” Steve finally says softly, looking dead serious into Bucky’s eyes.

 

“Don’t be fucking stubborn, Steve; are you suicidal or what?” Bucky glowers, crossing his arms over his chest to block out the feeling of bile that’s suddenly crept up in his throat.

 

“I might be,” Steve says fiercely and damn if they haven’t had this conversation a million times before. “But you are too and neither of us is going to get any better by being apart. It’ll just get worse and worse if you don’t let me in, Bucky.”

 

 _Fuck, fuck_. It’s all back firing into Bucky’s face and his gut is telling him to trust Steve but his mind is rebelling and it makes his head hurt so badly. He presses the metal hand to his forehead to try and cool down his skin, suddenly feeling feverish. He moans weakly when he feels Steve grab at his shoulder’s gently.

 

“I can’t, Steve, I can’t…” _Can’t do this, too tired, too weak._ The Winter Soldier is grumbling loudly again and Bucky’s cheeks are hot and he has no energy left. He feels so damn tired.

“Yes, you can. Just let me in, please, Bucky,” Steve’s begging and Bucky’s crumbling away at the seams. He can feel Steve’s breath on his face and it’s hot on his cheeks and lips. “Let me in.”

 

“Okay,” Bucky gasps quietly, his eyes are closed because Steve’s face is too close to his and he can’t bear to look in those beautiful eyes anymore. “Yes, okay.”

 

And then Steve lips are covering his own and yes, he remembers this. He remembers the taste and the heat and the softness of Steve’s lips. How could he have ever forgotten?

 

Bucky makes a desperate little noise in the back of his throat and it encourages Steve to deepen the kiss. Their tongues meet and suddenly there’s a frantic fumbling of hands all over. Steve’s hands are under Bucky’s thin shirt, feeling the sinewy muscle he finds there and encouraging obscene noises out of Bucky’s throat.

 

“Don’t stop, don’t stop,” Bucky gasps weakly when Steve mouths at his throat because he finally feels so alive, he finally feels right. This is what was missing.

 

“Won’t stop.” Steve murmurs, sucking and biting at the juncture between Bucky’s throat and shoulder. He retreats briefly to pull Bucky’s shirt over his head along with his own.

 

Distantly Steve registers Sam grumbling something like ‘ _Okay, going to bed now. Jesus Christ._ ’ outside of the bedroom but he doesn’t pay much attention because Bucky’s groaning and gripping wildly at his back, trying to pull him closer. He wants to feel _everything_. Steve topples on top of him and that’s exactly what Bucky wanted; their bodies are lined up perfectly and he can feel every line of muscle pressed up against his own and the feeling is incomparable to anything he’s felt.

 

Steve moves back up to Bucky’s swollen lips and he bites at them gently, pulling the lower lip into his mouth and sucking at the warm flesh. Bucky whimpers and grinds his hips into Steve’s, sparks of pleasure shooting up his spine every time their dicks line up just so. Steve hisses above him and his lips become just a little more desperate, a little more needy. He wants it all but he’ll settle for anything Bucky will give him.

 

“Pants,” Bucky gasps, his hands fumbling at Steve’s belt.

 

Steve pushes his shaking hands away and does it himself, fingers only fumbling a little bit. He manages to get his jeans shucked down to his knees before Bucky becomes too impatient and pulls him down again, leaving him a little breathless.  The only thing that’s separating them now is their boxers and that seems to be just fine by Bucky because he’s groaning loudly and bucking up against Steve like it’s his first time. He doesn’t know the last time he got off but it feels like it’s been a long damn time.

 

Steve pulls away briefly and just as Bucky makes a noise of protest, he rolls his tongue over the small bud of Bucky’s nipple and the sound changes into a cry of pleasure. Overwhelmed, Bucky grips at Steve’s shoulders and digs the blunt finger nails of his real hand into the soft skin. Steve grunts quietly at the pain but it doesn’t stop him in his quest to taste every little bit of skin that’s laid out before him and he travels down Bucky’s abdomen with gentle sucking kisses.

 

When he gets to Bucky’s hip bones, he pauses and smooth’s his thumb over one and lavishes the other with his tongue. The instant that tongue touches skin, Bucky’s hips jerk up and Steve has to force them back down again with a pleased grin, happy to see that while many things had changed, he could still make Bucky’s body sing under his touch.

 

“Easy,” Steve says, looking up at his friend with eyes darkened by lust. His lips have gone a deep red and glisten with saliva in the dim lighting of the room.

 

“Fuck, Steve.” Bucky pants, throwing his head back against the pillow. His whole body is trembling with need, his chest heaving for air. “Were you always such a tease?”

 

“Yes.” Steve grins again, hooking his thumbs under the band Bucky’s underwear and sliding the material down only a little bit, exposing the tender skin and sparse hair in the juncture between Bucky’s hips.

 

Bucky is struggling to keep himself still and he presses his metal arm over his eyes and cheeks to try and cool his face down. He can’t see Steve anymore but he can feel his breath ghosting across his skin like a caress and it’s making his cock throb with every exhale. He feels Steve’s hands leave his hips and gently slide up his inner thighs, coaxing his legs to part even further then they already are and then he feels a tongue pressing close to his groin, just where the material of his boxers stop. His cock pulses and he can’t wait any longer; he presses his own hand, the flesh and blood one, down on his erection, desperate for friction.

 

He almost cries when Steve grabs his wrist and pulls his hand off, pressing it forcefully into the mattress. His metal arm falls away from his face to grip desperately at the sheets that are tangled up underneath him.

 

“Please, Steve,” Bucky whimpers, rotating his hips in a desperate little circle. This is usually when the Winter Soldier would bubble to the surface, angered by begging and weakness but he is oddly silent now.

 

Steve’s responding grin is full of desire and promises and Bucky struggles to catch his breath as he watches Steve press a plump kiss to the head of his cock through his boxers. He starts swearing in Russian and pushing his hips up to meet that eager mouth which opens and takes just the tip of his dick into that heat. Bucky is truly shaking now; even with the soft barrier of his underwear between him and Steve’s mouth, it’s still too much. It’s sensory overload and he starts gasping desperately for air when Steve sucks gently at the tip.

 

“Stop, stop,” Bucky cries but his hips still rise of their own desire when Steve carefully pulls away.

 

“What’s wrong?” Steve asks, shifting his hands to hold Bucky’s hips and moving back up his body so he can press their lips together again.

 

Bucky presses into the kiss with so much fervor that it almost knocks Steve right off the bed.

 

“Jesus, wasn’t gonna last much longer if you kept that up,” Bucky murmurs in between the desperate press of lips and tongue.

 

He doesn’t have time to be embarrassed that his stamina is shot because suddenly Steve’s hands are all over his body, tugging at his boxers and almost ripping them off in his haste to remove them. Bucky’s eyes flutter closed when his erection is finally freed and the cool air sooths the burning heat of his sensitive skin.

 

“Let’s see just how long you can last,” Steve murmurs, his eyes dark and full of determination.

 

Bucky learns very quickly that he should never underestimate that look because suddenly his cock is being engulfed by delicious wet heat and god, if he thought he wasn’t going to last long earlier, now with the unbearable slick suction around his erection, he’s even closer to the edge. Bucky fumbles desperately for anything to grab, afraid to put his hands on Steve’s head because he doesn’t know how much control he has over his metal arm right now. He settles for gripping at the head board and it creaks under the strength of his grasp.

 

Steve moves up and down his erection expertly and it should really concern Bucky how good he is at this but with Steve’s tongue swirling around the tender head of his cock, he really doesn’t give a damn. Bucky risks a glance down and it’s his own undoing; seeing Steve’s reddened lips stretched over his dick is too much , too good, and his orgasm builds up in his balls so fast that he doesn’t even have time to warn Steve.

 

He makes a strangled noise and thrusts up into that beautiful mouth, white stars sparking behind his eyes as every nerve in his body ignites in pleasure. He thinks he might have even blacked out for a second because when he opens his eyes blearily, Steve is suddenly grinning from above him with that crooked smile of his and there are fragments of wood littering the pillow below him.

 

“What…?” Bucky murmurs, his chest still heaving and glistening with sweat.

 

“I’m going to owe Tony a new headboard, I think.” Steve smiles and it makes Bucky’s heart flutter in the cage of his chest.

 

He glances up briefly to see behind him and winces. New headboard was an understatement. The current one was cracked down the center and had one hand sized chunk missing out of it. Bucky belatedly remembers his strength with a wince.

 

“Oops.” He says sheepishly, not feeling terribly guilty at all.

 

“You could at least show a little remorse,” Steve says, leaning down to kiss him.

 

Remorse is the exact opposite that Bucky is feeling right now. His chest feels warm and full when he tastes himself on Steve’s lips with a slow and languid kiss. Steve’s tongue dances gently with his own and it’s bliss. He feels strange sparks of recognition and familiarity the longer Steve presses and rubs his body against his. He thinks at first that its fear, as he can’t remember a time he’s felt anything more than that but as Steve kisses Bucky’s closed eye lids, then his cheeks and then finally the corner of his upturned mouth, Bucky knows that this is not fear. It is something else entirely. It makes his heart hammer away in his chest and it makes him feel sick but elated all at once.

 

“Can you feel my heart?” Bucky murmurs, opening his eyes and blinking hazily up at the face of the only man who could truly see someone else other than the Winter Solider. His heart feels swollen and beats heavily with an emotion he can’t identify.

 

“Yes,” Steve smiles affectionately, reaching up to brush a sweaty strand of black hair off of Bucky’s forehead. It needs to be cut again. “Can you feel mine?”

 

“I can always feel it.” Bucky whispers back, their lips brushing gently as he speaks.

 

Steve is Bucky’s life force; he’s the only one who can keep Bucky’s feet from getting too far off the ground. He is the last link he has to the past. Bucky’s mind may be in fragments, but every day it becomes more solid. Every day his memories stay just a little bit longer and it’s only because of Steve that he even struggles to stay sane.

 

Steve grins at his answer and presses a fierce kiss to Bucky’s lips. Bucky moans at the press of hot skin against his own; he can feel Steve’s hard length pressing against his inner thigh and he shifts a little against it. It has the desired effect as Steve whimpers against Bucky’s mouth and cants his hips against his friends’ thigh, suddenly desperate for friction on his forgotten erection.

 

Heat flushes through Bucky’s abdomen as Steve rotates his hips in little circles against his own and though he had just spent himself, his cock twitches slightly with interest. He runs his flesh and blood hand down Steve’s back and hesitantly settles it just above the waistband of his boxers.

 

“Can I?” He asks softly, his thumb already impatiently slipping under the smooth elastic. He aches to touch him; yearns to feel Steve come undone under his calloused hand.

 

When Steve pulls back slightly, his eyes are dark, pupils blown so wide there is only a hint of blue left around the edges

 

“You never have to ask.” Steve says, fiercely covering Bucky’s lips with his own and allowing him to push down his boxers.

 

And then they are flush together, Steve’s erection hot and pulsing between Bucky’s thighs and jumping up against Bucky’s already half hard cock as they shift together in a slow staggered rhythm. Bucky trembles slightly but not out of fright; it’s excitement. He runs his hands down Steve’s back until he reaches the soft globes of his ass.

 

Bucky squeezes the flesh gently and begs Steve’s hips to move closer with gentle pressure. An affectionate laugh bubbles out of the Captains throat and he complies, moving closer and nipping at Bucky’s prominent collar bone. Bucky sighs blissfully and tips his head back, baring his neck and allowing Steve lips and tongue to trace up to his sharp jaw.

 

Steve heart is unbearably full of affection as Bucky lies completely open for him. It’s an utter relief to see him so relaxed; the pinch between his brow has been smoothed and his grey blue eyes have softened.

 

“Stop thinking,” Bucky murmurs with his eyes hooded and lips quirked.

 

“Sorry,” Steve smiles and kisses Bucky, hard. Bucky hums with pleasure and his lips part to accept a prying tongue. “Now, where was I?” Steve murmurs as he pulls away slightly and kisses his way up to Bucky’s ear, sucking and nipping gently at the lobe.

 

Bucky inhales shakily and grips at Steve’s bicep as a wandering hand pushes his thighs further apart.

 

“Okay?” Steve asks carefully, pausing when Bucky stiffened as a finger stroked just behind his balls.

 

Bucky’s holding on to Steve’s arms so tightly that bruises are already forming under his fingers and the Captain winces. Bucky’s eyes have gone wide and he’s scared; he doesn’t remember ever doing this and he can’t remember if it hurts or if it feels good and they don’t have lube and they shouldn’t even be going this far so fast.

 

“I’m stopping.” Steve whispers, pulling away slowly.

 

“Wait,” Bucky orders, his throat hoarse. “Just…wait for a second.”

 

Steve hasn’t moved very far and their chests bump together with every shaky inhale Bucky takes. The Captain has frozen completely still above him and Bucky swallows loudly. Yeah, he’s scared but this is also Steve and he trusts him with all that he is and damnit, if he doesn’t want this to. He loosens his grip on Steve’s biceps and breathes in very slowly, calming himself.

 

“Okay,” Bucky says carefully, as if testing the strength of the words. He strokes his hands over Steve’s shoulders and the wraps them around his back. “Okay.” He says again.

 

“Are you sure?” Steve asks gently, brushing a thumb across Bucky’s warm cheek.

 

“Just… go slow.” Bucky says softly, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

 

Steve makes a grumbling noise in his chest that almost sounds like a purr at the sight. He does as Bucky says and starts achingly slow; brushing his hands across his friends’ abdomen and stroking at his hip bones.

 

Bucky breathes in and out shakily, closing his eyes at the onslaught of sensations rippling through his body. He’s achingly hard again and his cock lies heavily across his stomach. Steve presses his whole body down so they are flush together again, their erections trapped and throbbing between their hard bodies.

 

Bucky makes a small noise as Steve’s lips travel gently down his neck and pause at his collar bone. The Captain sucks a small pink bruise into Bucky’s skin and the Sergeant whimpers at the mark, squirming impatiently under Steve’s ministrations.

 

“Enough warming up,” Bucky says gruffly, trying to get his hand between their bodies so he can grip both of their erections at once.

 

Steve pulls away, just out of Bucky’s reach and the latter makes an impatient noise in his throat. Steve grins and reaches past Bucky and pulls open the night stand next to the head of the bed. When his hand comes back into view, he’s holding a tiny clear bottle in his hand. Bucky smirks and raises an eyebrow.

 

“Tony has it in every room.” Steve replies to the unspoken question.

 

“Don’t say his stupid name.” Bucky grumbles and with one hand pulls Steve down into a rough, sloppy kiss that leaves the Captain struggling to open the little bottle with stumbling hands.

 

Eventually Steve manages to get the clear liquid on to his fingers, accidentally pouring too much when Bucky sharply bites at his shoulder.

 

“ _Jesus_ ,” Steve hisses, his erection swelling as the new mark in his shoulder throbs.

 

“Come on already.” Bucky says fervently, wiggling his hips impatiently and driving them down towards Steve’s slicked up hand.

 

“Easy,” Steve replies gently, carefully stroking a finger over Bucky’s puckered hole and rubbing small circles against the soft muscle.

 

Bucky closes his eyes against the pleasurable sensation and takes shuddering breaths, forcing himself to relax his body. As he does so, Steve’s middle finger slips in easily and Bucky thinks it should feel uncomfortable but it _doesn’t_. There’s no flicker of pain, only a vague uncomfortable feeling as his muscles wrap around the intrusion and bring it even further inside.

 

He moans weakly as Steve adds a second digit, carefully preparing Bucky for what’s surely going to be much larger than a couple of fingers. But then he does a little crook of his fingers that has Bucky gasping and pushing his hips into the motion with such urgency that Steve has to brace himself so he doesn’t go tumbling off the bed.

 

“More,” Bucky groans, shifting his hips against Steve’s hand.

 

Steve bites at his lip as he does the same motion again but stops immediately at the sight of moisture in Bucky’s eyes.

 

“Oh my god,” Bucky moans. “That’s amazing, you’re amazing, what are you doing? Don’t stop, please don’t stop.”

 

Steve’s skin is suddenly feverish and he gently began a thrusting motion with his hand until his fingers moved in and out of Bucky smoothly, making sure to curve his fingers against that little buddle of nerves past the ring of muscles.

 

Once Bucky was a whimpering, incoherent mess beneath him, Steve, with the utmost care, turned his friend on to his front so his back was facing up. Without any prompting, Bucky thrust his hips upwards until Steve grabbed on to them to steady his jerky movements. He waits for Bucky’s breathing to even out before pushing the head of cock against the slightly loosened ring of muscles.

 

Bucky groans and tries to push back into the pressure but Steve was having none of it; he holds his friend still with one hand on his hip as he guides his erection with the other and pushes in with excruciating slowness. A litany of Russian words come tumbling ardently out of Bucky’s mouth and right then Steve has to really strain himself from not cumming right then and there.

 

Once he was completely sheathed in Bucky’s warmth, Steve takes a deep shuddering breath, keeping his hands settled on Bucky’s boney hips to hold his trembling lover still.

 

“Okay?” Steve asks quietly, brushing his thumb across beads of sweat on Bucky’s slick skin.

 

From his awkward position, Bucky attempts to glance back with a glare but only a portion of his cheek bone and a shockingly grey blue eye are visible to Steve.

 

Bucky feels full, uncomfortably so, but there is no pain; only an unbearable, unmoving pressure against his prostate; hence the trembling. His cock twitches with impatience and he presses his ass even further into the pressure. He groans breathlessly when Steve’s cock jerks against that swollen ball of nerves inside him and he presses his face against the cool mattress to sooth his suddenly flush skin.

 

Steve makes a strangled noise and his hands scramble at Bucky’s hips, one slipping away to wrap around Bucky’s middle in an attempt to hold him still.

 

“Come on, come on,” Bucky rasps, trying push his hips back but failing as Steve holds him in an iron grip. He’s going to be littered with bruises in the morning at this rate.

 

“Jesus, Bucky...” Steve meant to finish that by saying, ‘ _take it slow_ ’ but all that comes out is a strangled moan as Bucky finally manages to pull his own hips forward and thrust them back quickly and Steve’s gone. His eyes roll back, his jaw goes slack and his hips thrust forward to meet Bucky’s, entering a frantic tempo that he has no control over.

 

Any coherent thoughts he may have had moments ago fly out the window and are replaced with shocks of pleasure shooting from the base of his cock down to his toes. He is utterly at Bucky’s mercy; his friend controls the pace with his hips and it’s all Steve can do to just hold on and not lose the rhythm.

 

Bucky looks so thoroughly and utterly blissed out as he pierces himself on Steve’s dick that the Captain is suddenly gasping as his cock swells. He quickly pulls out and pinches the base of his erection but it’s too late and he’s cumming, milky fluid erupting from the tip of his dick in thick ropes and dripping down Bucky’s smooth thighs.

 

“Oh my god,” Steve groans slumping over Bucky’s back and nipping at his fleshy shoulder.

 

“Steve,” Bucky whines, his own cock weeping and flushed and aching for release. Bucky reaches a hand down to grip at his cock but he doesn’t get far before Steve stops him.

 

“Let me,” Steve rasps, his wandering hands smoothing over Bucky’s abdomen and brushing his friends hand away. He carefully wraps his large hand around Bucky’s dripping cock and stokes it slowly.

 

Bucky whimpers and his hips jerk forward of their own volition.

 

“Please,” He gasped, his eyes rolling back; he was so close already, it wouldn’t take much to get him there. And then he feels the press of broad fingers against his already loose entrance, pushing in deep and curling up against his prostate and he can barely breathe. Steve is all over him, pressing against his back and filling him up and pulling at his dick and it’s too much, too much…

 

“ _Fuck_ , yes,” Bucky sobs, his hands twisting in the sheets violently as his second orgasm rips through his body with alarming speed.

 

Steve slowly pulls his fingers out of Bucky’s trembling hole and blankets his body over his friend. Their limbs become entangled as they catch their breath and gentle hands wander over drying skin. This lasts for several moments in blissful silence until it is broken by Steve and at this point Bucky is already half asleep and he is not very keen on the interruption.

 

“Maybe we should…” Steve starts and shifts as if to get up.

 

“Not moving.” Bucky grumbles, grabbing at Steve and enveloping him back in to his arms.

 

Steve can’t stop the dopey grin that spreads across his face and he kisses the top of Bucky’s mused hair. It smells faintly of evergreen and mint and Steve thinks that the scent suits him.

 

“Bucky, you know I…”

 

“I know.”

 

“Will you just let me…”

 

“You don’t have to say it.”

 

“I really should say…”

 

Bucky kisses him and Steve quiets instantly, pulling Bucky closer and sighing into his mouth. He decides what he needs to tell Bucky can wait until morning. Their kisses slow and they pull apart as Bucky lies his head back down on to the pillow. Steve follows suit and tucks Bucky’s head under his chin with a warm smile.

 

He’s happy and content and he doesn’t know how he’s gotten this lucky. It will take time but he knows Bucky will be okay; they may even have rougher patches to overcome but Steve knows that he will never give up on his friend. Not now that he’s back and against all odds, in this new modern world with him.

 

Bucky’s breathing has evened out and he seems to be sleeping so Steve closes his eyes finally to follow suit. And he’s just on the brink of consciousness when he hears a very soft,

 

“I love you to, punk.”

 

 

End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, I apologize for the long wait! This is why I rarely do chaptered fic!
> 
> This is the end, my friends. Thank you for reading and leaving kudos and comments, I really enjoyed your responses! Now please excuse me while I go indulge in all of the wonderful Stucky fics here on AO3.
> 
> Yay for fluffy endings <3
> 
> Also note that I beta for myself so if there are any mistakes please just ignore them <3


End file.
